I think i peed on brittanys purse
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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