I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
