I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
