If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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