Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
