I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
