The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
