I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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