you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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