He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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