My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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