As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
