The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
