And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
