I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
