Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The air was thick with penises
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
