My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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