You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
is that a dick in a sweater?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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