I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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