My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
