The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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