I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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