I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
