Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
