I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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