Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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