Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
