i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
