sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
