I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Who died my cat blue again?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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