Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
