I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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