ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
