That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
