I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
