Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Someone shit on the floor
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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