I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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