Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
