new low.... made out with someone while peeing
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Drunk is not a location!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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