I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
