I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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