thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize