First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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