Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
