Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
God I need to hump something, right now.
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