I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
