when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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