dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
