that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
worst night to have a conscience
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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