Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
