so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
